Stephanie Suva

Let me start by saying that this is not meant to offend anyone or in any way degrade the meditation technique I learned. Furthermore, please keep in mind that I have a fairly good sense of humor and you will read that throughout this post. What follows is purely my experience and perspective…which is only 1 side of the story of what happened at the 10-day Vipassana Meditation course I attended in January (everyone else has their own unique story and perspective…but you are reading mine). And yes, I know I willingly signed up for this…but people in prison willingly commit crimes that land them there too! I hope you have sensed that my humor has already begun.  =P

I arrive Wednesday afternoon (Day 0) and have a peculiar feeling that I have entered PRISON. There are “Course Boundary” signs all around, the parking lot is far away from the walking path, there is a large metal gate at the driveway entrance of the property that basically locks you in, the men and women are completely segregated, and my room or ‘cell’ feels like solitary confinement (only with a nice large window). Also, we have taken a vow of Noble Silence – no talking, eye contact, gesturing, etc. for the duration of the course. At registration, we turn over our phones, iPods, reading and writing materials…I think you get the point. The next 10 days is just me, myself and, well, me! So for those of you who thought I was off on a meditation ‘retreat’, please erase that word from your vocabulary as you read about my experience. To me, a retreat includes relaxation, yoga, catching up on sleep, and perhaps a massage or two. This is no retreat!

~Sometimes you just have to make your own rules. When the situation warrants it, of course. If it’s not true for you, leave it out. If it doesn’t work for you, try something else. In life coaching, we learn that many of the rules we live by do not serve us, and we always have the choice to create new rules and get rid of old ones. In prison, I find that I am very good at making my own rules. In fact, I probably broke more rules than I followed during my 10-day sentence. 

~Noble Silence amplifies all sounds! It’s quite amazing how loud little things sound when you enter a period of noble silence. Even a door closed loudly suddenly seems intrusive or rude. The same goes for stomping feet to get the snow off your boots. The alarm in my cell wakes me from a nap and nearly gives me a heart attack. Someone sneezes in the group meditation hall and a fight or flight reaction begins inside me. My phone at home does this to me all the time! Why do I allow it? (FYI – I have adjusted the alerts on my phone to avoid this craziness in the future).

~What’s that smell?! It’s me/you. More directly, it’s the dining hall. The first night I wake around 1am to use the bathroom and when I return to my cell I think, “What’s that smell?!” I soon realize the putrid restaurant smell that I despise (like when you go to the Melting Pot or Benihana and return reeking of the restaurant) is, in fact, my clothes! Throughout the week, I keep 2 sets of clothes: 1 set to wear to the dining and meditation halls and 1 set to wear in my bed. I might just be crazy, but I do not want my bed smelling like the dining hall. My aversion to this smells grows all week, and I can even smell it as I approach the dining hall outside! This creates quite a problem for me too, because I am trying to take several (very short) naps each day and I have to change every single time to keep my bed free from the nasty smell!

~Curiosity killed the cat. NEVER look at the clock! During meditation, you will feel like you’ve been meditating for 1 hour…when you open your eyes to look at the clock, you will find that 3 minutes has passed and you still have 57 minutes to go. What AGONY! I regularly find myself looking forward to ‘what’s next’ or wanting to know what’s coming up. I’ve found, however, that when you’re constantly living for/in the future, you’re missing out on the present moment…thereby, not LIVING your life.

~You probably shouldn’t swear at your meditation teacher. Let me mention that when you enter prison, you agree to follow 5 Precepts. The fourth precept happens to be abstaining from wrong speech. I’m pretty sure using foul language (even in your head) is not proper etiquette or very noble and it probably goes against having Right Thought and Speech…but I couldn’t help myself. We were sitting for 2 hours and asked not to move (anything)! So we have been sitting for what seems like forever (but I’m afraid to look at the clock for fear of the agony I will feel if it’s only been a few minutes!) and the teacher is having us scan our body for sensations…very slowly!! I am in so much pain, I can’t help but yell at him (in my head, since I can’t actually speak out loud) to move faster and get onto the next body part already. By the time he moves away from my most “gross and intense” sensations, there are tears streaming down my face. I actually get to a point where I want to JUMP OUT OF MY BODY AND RUN OUT OF THE ROOM, because the idea of sitting with the pain I am experiencing is too much to bear! I realize that this idea of sitting on the floor for 2 hours without moving doesn’t seem too terrible. However, if you can’t understand why I was in excruciating pain and ended up in tears, I suggest you try it. Try sitting for 2 straight hours, not moving a single muscle in your body, with no noise or distractions of any kind, and just observe the bodily sensations that arise. You CAN actually do it, but it will take a whole lot of determination and strong will. Later during my sentence, our three daily hour-long sittings without moving were called ‘Sittings of Strong Determination.’ Don’t worry though – each sitting gets easier and less painful. 

~Your mind plays very dirty tricks on you. As mentioned in the previous lesson, each sitting gets less painful using the Vipassana technique. However, as each sitting transpires, my body is not doing anything different to feel less pain. I am still in the same position with the same cushions in the same room. In fact, what I find is that my mind has been the problem all along. Yes, there are areas of my body where physical pain does exist, but the mental thoughts and stories attached to that pain intensify it significantly. So as I continue to sit and observe these ‘sensations’ equanimously (without reacting with aversion or craving), the mental story attached to my physical pain begins to unravel and the sensation I am feeling lessens. Be very careful of your mind…it can trick the best of us! 

~The walls have ears. Prison is the quietest place on Earth. In my cell, I can hear the people on the other sides of the walls. While meditating, I hear the lady next door sighing or taking a deep breath. When I wake in the morning I hear the lady on the other side snoring. What I would like to know is – how in the world am I supposed to munch on my unauthorized, snuck in snacks when it’s this quiet?! Yes, I am a rule breaker and snuck in some snacks from my car – guilty as charged – but I’m already in prison, so what is the worst that could happen? Unfortunately, I chose to bring very ‘loud’ snacks and realized that if I could hear someone next door taking a deep breath, they could probably hear me munching on crackers or chewing my cocoa roasted almonds. I’m also pretty sure that they could easily hear the carbonation sound as I opened the cap on my small bottle of soda. Yes, it was THAT quiet. I should also mention here that the fifth precept I agreed to was to abstain from all intoxicants. I’m not sure if soda counts as an intoxicant, but I’m pretty sure I was having caffeine withdrawals and justified that a few sips here and there (to maintain my sanity) would far outweigh the negative aspects of an intoxicant!

~It takes approximately 3-6 cushions/props and 2-3 blankets to sit “comfortably” in meditation. And even then, I wouldn’t call it ‘comfortable.’ (See You Probably Shouldn’t Swear…)

~When you make a commitment, be prepared to follow through on it. I made a 10-day commitment to stay in prison, but by Day 2, I was planning my escape. In fact, I planned to escape on several days: 2, 3, Day 4 or 5 (can’t remember which), and then again around Days 8 and 9. I came up with every excuse in the world to leave and even sat in meditation planning how I would tell the teacher I was leaving, when I would pack up my car and drive away without disturbing the other meditators, where I would stop for food on the way home, and all the things I would accomplish at home with the time I had already arranged to be away. And one by one I realized that many of my excuses or reasons to leave were my INNER CRITIC popping up. What if I can’t do it? Am I even doing this right? This is too hard. I don’t think this is worth it. What am I even here for? I only needed one reason to stay: hope…hope that this technique would work wonders for me and have all the amazing benefits for me that it has had on others. So after talking to the teacher several times, I decided to stay (as she explained to me how all these emotions that were cropping up were patterns of mine and the technique would help me release those patterns to live a happier and healthier life). She was right – I do have patterns of frustration, boredom, irritation, doubt, etc. And I’m very good at learning new things, but don’t tend to stick with one long enough to get the benefits…I’m too busy looking for the next thing! I realized these things before I spoke to her, which is also part of the reason I stayed – I came here to change and improve myself and I could talk myself out of every excuse I had to leave.

~This will also change. Better known as “This too shall pass.” Never in my life have I said these words so often. This has become my new mantra. At meditation prison we learn that the law of nature is that all things arise and pass, arise and pass, etc. This is called ANICCA (pronounced a-knee-cha) and basically signifies impermanence. So with every uncomfortable, painful, or excruciating thing that comes my way, I keep repeating my new mantra and try to remain equanimous. Nothing is eternal. Everything is impermanent. The same is true for pleasant experiences and sensations…but I will work on those later. For now, I will continue to cling to and crave any pleasant sensation that comes my way while I’m in prison. Once again, I am not following the rules.

~You always get to choose your experience. I could’ve embraced the cold weather and been equanimous…but I chose frustration and irritation instead. Although, I did try. I even found myself saying, under my breath, while walking to my cell from the meditation and dining halls, “I am equanimous!” I tried so hard to be unaffected by the extremely cold temperatures – it just didn’t quite work for me. I did imagine how different the experience would’ve been in spring or fall…sitting out in the garden during a break or while waiting for the next meal to be served. How wonderful it sounded! But that was not living in the present.

~There IS a light at the end of the tunnel. Mine happens to be Starbucks! As I was planning my escape in those early days of my sentence, the light that kept me going was the Starbucks I saw in the DeKalb Oasis off the highway (that I would stop at on my way home from prison). I also kept myself amused by counting down my prison sentence. I know it goes against the teachings, but it was just so fun to think, “only 5 days left – I’m half way through!” and “only 1 more day to go!” However, by focusing on the final outcome, I missed out on part of the journey. (See Curiosity Killed…) All too often in life, we forget that, as Buddha taught,  “It is better to travel well than to arrive.” And had I really been absorbing the idea of anicca (impermanence) that was being shoved down my throat every day, I may have found more contentment in my journey, knowing that it would soon pass and become just a memory.

~Good things around bound to happen eventually. On Day 4, I found the hot chocolate. Now, at each meal there were a variety of teas to choose from, along with some kind of fake decaf coffee. And every once in a while, hot chocolate would appear. I do like tea, but I was not fond of the ones they had to offer. So, my drink of choice to warm up was always hot chocolate. Now I probably should not have been snooping around (and this may possibly have broken the second precept I agreed to follow in prison – to abstain from stealing), but ‘seek and you shall find.’ Bam – the hot chocolate was in the cabinet underneath the teas! I didn’t understand what was so special about it that it couldn’t be out at meals with all the other drinks, but I was just so happy that I had found it. That day continued on well. At lunchtime, I discovered that I could make a PB&J by adding jelly to the peanut butter coated brown rice rice cakes I was eating everyday at lunch to get extra calories and protein in my body, since I wasn’t really digging the food. I realize that it took me 4 whole days to figure this out (don’t judge), but I was ecstatic about my new creation. And then we got chocolate for dessert! They were small, bite size Andes mints, but you can’t really complain when you’re in prison. You just have to be thankful you’re even getting mints. So good things do happen…but then you just may want to run away again (See You Probably Shouldn’t Swear…) It’s the law of nature (anicca)…everything arises and passes away, arises and passes, etc. This was also true for the hot chocolate!

~When you are exhausted and have nothing to distract you, you can actually sleep fairly well on a 4-inch deep piece of foam. This foam was my ‘mattress’, although I’m not sure I can call it that, since I could feel the wood boards beneath it when I was trying to fall asleep.

~No one will find you sleeping. So the first 2 days, I was afraid that our resident manager would catch me napping during meditation hours and that I would get in trouble. We were asked to leave our doors open during these hours in case she needed to check on us. So I would wake up and start my meditation, but after 30 minutes or so, I needed a break. So I would very quietly lie down in bed (to rest my painful back and get warm under the covers) and set my alarm to wake me up before group meditation in the hall. But I was getting these short ‘almost’ naps because I was so fearful I would get in trouble. Looking back, I see that this is silly, because you only get out of the course what you put into it. So why would I get in trouble? Like I said, your mind plays tricks on you in prison. Anyhow, on Day 3 (after a long Day 2 of planning my escape from prison), I overslept. I didn’t hear the 4am or 4:15am bells. When I woke up to the bell ringing, it was 6:30am – breakfast time. And I suddenly realized: no one will ever look for you. I was really only worried about the manager because I knew the other meditators couldn’t talk or ever ask about me. So from Day 4 on, I ignored the morning bells and set my alarm for 5:30am. I ended up sleeping longer and better and meditating for the same amount of time as if I had gotten up at 4am. (See Sometimes You Just Have To…)

~Always, always use the fan! I am referring to the bathroom fan. Let’s get real here. If you use the fan, it’s obvious what you are doing in there. However, at least by using the fan, your fellow cellmates will hear less of what’s going on in there. Also, if you do not use the fan while showering you will set off the fire alarm. The fan also comes in handy if you are a rule breaker (or just a new rule maker) like me and want to munch on some snacks you snuck into prison. I admit, it was dishonest and I did not follow the rules, but if you know me, you know how often I eat. Two meals a day and fruit for dinner just won’t cut it for me. So, at the end of the night when I was too hungry to go to sleep, I would sneak my Cheez-Its or Ghirardelli raspberry-filled chocolates into the bathroom, turn the fan on and enjoy my treats. And if there wasn’t much other noise coming from any other cells, I would turn the shower on for extra protection. What can I say? I’m just not great at following the rules.

~If you enter Noble Silence for a certain period of time, prepare yourself for extremely random songs running through your head on some sort of automatic replay. I had about 4 songs that replayed over and over again in my head the entire 10 days. Only 1 song made sense, since it was the last song I listened to in my car. The others came out of nowhere! Now, the annoying part comes in when, after several days, these parts of songs (the only parts you remember the words for) continue on replay and you can’t remember the rest of the darn song(s). It is very helpful if, like me, you have also snuck in your iPod. Guilty, I know! I might just be the worst meditator that has stayed in that prison. However, I did restrict myself to listening to only the songs that were already playing in my head (what’s the harm, if they are already there?) and only enough to remember the lyrics. Admittedly, I did listen to about 3-4 other songs by Day 10…but by then I reasoned that I had really earned them – lol. 

~Don’t go to the hardware store for milk. This particular phrase I have heard from Cheryl Richardson several times, and one day in prison it came to me. Why did I choose to go to a meditation course up north in the middle of winter when I despise the cold weather and snow? While I was in prison, the outside temps ranged from negative 15 to about 30 degrees on the warmest day. It snowed, it rained, and the wind whipped around like crazy. One day I actually felt like icicles had formed inside my nose on the walk from the dining hall to the dorm. Oddly enough, the only skin on my body that was open to the air was a small strip of skin across my eyes (between my hat and scarf) so that I could see where I was walking. And on this particular day I finally understood those funny looking face mask hats my brothers used to wear in the winter when they went out skiing or snowboarding. I always thought they were ridiculous and hideous…but in prison I wish I had one! Now, the inside temps were approximately 63 (this is what the thermostat was set to in the building I was warmest in). Yes, when you feel a draft of cold air, don’t worry – it’s just the ‘heat’ kicking on! Keep in mind that I am used to living in Florida and cooling my house to 77 degrees. I don’t believe I have ever been so cold in my entire life. So during my sentence in prison I wore (everyday and everywhere) 2 pairs of socks, 2 pairs of pants, a t-shirt, long sleeve shirt, and sweatshirt, as well as a scarf and hat (indoors too!), and I used 3 blankets during group meditation to stay warm. I believe I have finally learned my lesson and will no longer be going to the hardware store for milk!

~After a few days in prison, the smallest things will bring you such amusement! On one of the days I was planning my escape, I almost burst out laughing when I saw a fellow meditator lean up against the wall during meditation and put her shawl over her head (covering her face). I finally felt like I wasn’t alone in my misery! Of course, I wanted to say something to her, but I took a vow of Noble Silence (and that’s one rule I did NOT break – unless you count talking to yourself, which I caught myself doing several times). Another day, I noticed one of the girls walk into the break room wearing a Snuggie. All of a sudden I noticed that a huge smile had appeared on my face. What a wonderful idea – that would have been the perfect thing to bring! On another occasion, one of the women accidentally asked me if I was waiting in line for the bathroom. She caught herself right after she spoke and we both started laughing. I just nodded my head no and we went back into silence. And through the 10 days I was in prison, little memories like these would pop into my head and bring me a huge sense of joy. It really is the little things that count. 

~Variety is the spice of life. You can only eat the same food so many times before you start to develop an aversion to it and the thought of it makes you want to VOMIT. Breakfast and dinner were the same every day; lunch varied every day. Every night for ‘dinner’ we could choose from a buffet of oranges, apples, and bananas. In addition to the food, there was tea and milk available. Let me just say that I may never again eat one of those fruits. By a certain point in my prison sentence, the thought of any of these fruits made me nauseous. I even skipped ‘dinner’ one night (partly because I couldn’t stomach the thought of eating what was available and partly because I did not want to leave my warm bed and freeze my butt off walking 5 minutes each way in the frigid cold to eat a piece of fruit). Now, normally, I would never skip a meal…but I didn’t actually skip dinner all together – I just skipped the dinner prison was offering. As I mentioned earlier, I did sneak in some of my own food…so on this particular evening, I took a fake shower with the bathroom fan on and finished off my bag of Cheez-Its and a granola bar. Like I said, sometime you just have to make your own rules.  =P

~The answer to all problems is to ‘go back to your breath.’ Every time I approached the teacher with a question or problem I was experiencing, her answer was to simply return to my breath or respiration. At the time, this was extremely irritating to me…especially as I was getting frustrated with how shallow my breathing was as I observed my respiration. However, as I reflect, the same lesson is also true in real life. As we return to our breath, we reconnect with our self and get in touch with what is really going on inside.

~A cup and piece of paper can save a life. The first precept I agreed to follow in prison is to abstain from killing any being. This sounds easy enough…but insects are beings too. I have never been a fan of killing bugs, but I also can’t fall asleep if there’s a spider crawling around on the ceiling in my room. I can even recall a time where I felt compelled to kill a spider that was hovering over my bed so I could fall asleep…and the entire experience ended with me in tears because I don’t like the feeling of squishing a bug with my fingers (no matter how many tissues I use) and my roommates were sleeping, so I couldn’t ask them to do it or use the vacuum to suck the poor thing up. In prison, I saw several spiders…and watched them carefully as I tried to decide how I would remain equanimous co-habitating with them or find a way to remove them from my space without actually killing them. One day, early on in my sentence, I saw a girl come out of the break room with a paper cup turned upside down on a piece of paper and she carefully carried it outside. Yes, there was a spider inside the cup. I remember this event as clear as day and told myself that I should bring a cup back to my room in case I were to come across a spider during my stay. However, when meditation ended, I completely forgot about the cup. Later that night, I was ‘lucky’ enough to encounter a spider in the bathroom and wished like crazy that I had a cup with me. The spider disappeared when I turned to flush the toilet and was never seen again. However, his/her appearance wreaked havoc on the rest of my stay. Every night before bed, I carefully checked every inch of wall in my room looking for that darn spider, and still wishing I had remembered to grab a paper cup from the break room. I sound crazy; I know this. Am I agoraphobic? I’m not sure, but I definitely learned the importance of a simple paper cup. I should also mention that this was not the only spider sighting I had during my stay and I do believe that I shared my room with a dead spider (although it could have possibly been an ant). It remained in the same exact place in one corner of my room for the entire stay…and I was able to remain equanimous with that. Go figure!

In the end, when I eagerly left meditation prison Sunday morning (Day 11) – so eagerly so, that I got a speeding ticket! – I was unsure how I felt about the experience. Am I glad I went? Am I glad I stayed? Do I wish I had left on Day 2 when I had my first urge to leave? Did I get what I came for? The only answer I could come up with was, “I’m not sure.” However, I always try to look for the lesson or opportunity. So, I will say, that my experience in prison has reinforced a lesson that life has been trying to teach me for quite some time: everything changes (anicca) and this moment is all you are guaranteed to have.

So I take away from my experience, a renewed vow to live more in the present moment, enjoy what’s happening right now, remain equanimous in unpleasant situations, and stay mindful that ‘this too shall change.’ I am practicing detached involvement, being completely present and engaged in this moment, but not being so attached to the outcome or future that I become devastated if things don’t go as planned or hoped. Believe me, this is easier said than done, but I will continue to practice and look for opportunities to practice equanimity.

Oh, and in case you are wondering, I will continue to keep making my own rules and creating my best life!